Late Night Fidel Jokes

Well, I don't know about you, but I just can't get enough castro jokes. Apparently, the late night talk show hosts have been having a field day with the castro brothers all week- this is what I get for being a teacher and having to go to sleep early- I missed all of it!  Well, if you go to sleep early like I do, here's a recap.

From David Letterman:

“Well, here’s some sad news coming from Havana, ladies and gentlemen. Fidel Castro has resigned. A lot of people thought it was because of his health,” but Castro is actually “resigning because he wants to spend more time with his beard.”

Castro’s “retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans still will not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball.”

“Experts believe that now that he has resigned,” Castro “will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro.”

From Conan O’Brien:

“This morning, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced that he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. … But the biggest…surprise was when Castro announced that he’s going to retire in Miami.”

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Fidel Castro Is Retiring

10. He has accepted the role of Dr. Ramon Vazquez on "General Hospital.”

9. Achieved his goal of getting Cuba’s unemployment rate under 83%.

8. Wants to spend more time interrogating his family.

7. Just got Season One of “Gilmore Girls.”

6. Caught injecting human growth hormone into his wife, Debbie Castro.

5. Too many tacos.

4. He was adopted by Angelina Jolie — honestly, how crazy would that be?

3. Always promised himself he’d quit torturing when it stopped being fun.

2. Jane Fonda called him a "________."

1. 49 years at the same job? Who am I, Letterman?

From Jay Leno:

“I have an announcement to make before I begin the show. When I leave the show, my younger brother, Raul Leno, will be taking over.”

“You all know that Fidel Castro resigned today as president of Cuba. But don’t worry; you’ll still be able to see him on ABC’s ‘Dancing With the Stars.’”

“God, he ran Cuba for almost 50 years. The political analysts are now debating what kind of changes the Cuban people will hope for. I’m going to guess maybe term limits?”

“Do you realize when Castro came to power in 1959, John McCain was only 61 years old?”

“Actually, Fidel Castro was the most powerful socialist in the world not living in Malibu. Did you know that?”

"And in Cuba, Fidel Castro has resigned, and people in Miami haven’t been this excited since the Dolphins stopped playing."

"Hard to believe Fidel Castro is gone. See? So, the embargo worked; 49 years later, he is out of there.In fact, to mark the end of his almost 50 years in power, the Cuban people today gave Fidel Castro a golden raft."

"Well, according to Forbes magazine, Fidel Castro is one of the world’s richest men. He has almost a billion dollars, which could explain why “he spent the whole day fending off calls from Heather Mills. “No, I don’t want a date. No, I’m sorry.”